Prologue

This is the ‘nice’, cleaned up, short version of my testimony. The meat and potatoes, if you will. These are my first encounters with Jesus. When I started writing my origin story, I ended up with 20 pages of content and decided that I needed to break it up some. It’s still long, but it’s shorter than it was! So, I apologize that it’s a bit disjointed, but I think you’ll appreciate the smaller, more digestible chunks. And if you care to read all three, you’ll get to see how everything fits together. “My origin story” (still in progress) is a recounting of my childhood and young adult life. It’s not as exciting, but it gives you an idea of how I got here. So, you might consider this Part 2. Part 3, which I would recommend only to advanced believers, may be postponed or sprinkled into some of my other articles, because, quite frankly, it’s dark. And ugly. I’m just scratching the surface here, but it goes much deeper than this and as I’m sure you can imagine, it’s not easy to share some of my lowest, most vulnerable moments with the world. Maybe I’ll get there someday. But for now, this is what I’m comfortable with. I hope something here resonates with you and that you, as I did, can learn that God is with us through the struggle, even though we may not know it at the time.

My Testimony (the short version)

Sometime between 2016 – 2021, there was a mindset shift in America, some called it the second Great Awakening. It was a time when people were realizing that the news and the government might not always be telling the truth. Wild conspiracy theories were running rampant, and some of them turned out to be true! Those who could see what was happening, were questioning everything. The government, Hollywood, schools, the news, the worldwide health system; all were in a state of turmoil or corruption, and all seemed to be dancing to the same tune. I was worried about my country and my family’s future and desperate to know what was really going on. So, I had begun listening to some political Youtube videos. 

By this time, I was not a believer in God. I wouldn’t say I was an Atheist because I had an idea that there was some kind of higher power. I just didn’t know what that higher power was, or what to call it. I had even prayed a few times when there was something catastrophic happening in my life, though I wasn’t entirely sure who or what I was praying to, or if I had ever been answered or if the events that followed were just a coincidence. I knew there were a lot of religions in the world, and many have similar stories and events, so I thought they all kind of worshipped the same God, but just had different names for ‘it’ or Him. Therefore, it didn’t matter what you called it, Allah, Budda, Mohammed, or Jesus. In fact, I had even thought, and said to others that while I believed Jesus had lived at some time, he was just a man. How ignorant I was and how ashamed I am of that now… I hadn’t even read the Bible yet, and had no religious education, but I thought I knew who Jesus was… Unfortunately, this is what many people do. They create these ideals about what God and religion is or isn’t, based on something they might have heard about it; without having done any research on the topic and without any real knowledge about it.

I never gave much thought to the afterlife, either. My plan was to research several of the world religions before I settled on a spiritual belief system. I thought religion or spirituality was simply another cog in the wheel of a balanced life, like exercise, healthy diet, career, etc. I never got to do my research.

So, I was up late one night by myself watching Youtube videos and this one came across my feed that was the first to turn a light bulb on in my head. The poster, was someone who’d had 5 minutes of fame on some gameshow, and then was approached by a bunch of A-listers in Hollywood to be initiated into a Satanic cult. Apparently nearly all, if not all, of those major celebrities were already involved in it. He had agreed but a few years after being initiated, he had a near death experience and encountered Jesus. So now he wanted to leave the cult, turn to Jesus and educate others. So, in this 5 hour video, he was presenting all of this evidence to prove what he was saying. He showed pages from some ancient book that they used, which described the initiation ceremonies and the horrific consequences of speaking out, which is why it was so rare for anyone to come forward. He showed countless celebrities doing these secret hand gestures, makeup, jewelry and other clues to signal to each other who was in on the secret. There must have been 50 of them. I mean, it was undeniable. Once you knew what to look for, it was so obvious. They all did it in their photo-ops and album covers. Yet, if you didn’t know about it, you wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

He also exposed how the music videos and concerts were using imagery like snakes, owls, goats, upside down crosses, fire, blood, gore, etc. The evidence he presented was quite compelling. Somehow, I just knew he was telling the truth. And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. It was all truly “hiding in plain sight”. I probably had seen dozens of these images before, but I’d never realized what they symbolized. It opened my eyes to the fact that, if you listen to the lyrics of many of the mainstream songs, you’ll find statements, admitting the artist “sold their soul”, are on their way to hell, paying their dues, and bringing others with them, or they are denouncing or blaspheming God in one way or another. Many popular events on the world stage (such as the Olympics), have also blatantly disrespected or mocked the Christian faith. Funny how it is predominantly the Christian faith that gets all the discrimination, and it seems to be ok with all the powers that be. No media outrage there. Christians are just being silly or too sensitive when their religion is mocked. Freedom of religion and protection against oppression seems to only apply to non-Christian religions, but that’s another story.

I had even become friends with some so-called Satanists by that time, but I thought they were just doing it to sound scary, cool, or untouchable. I never thought any of it was actually real. Yet, people were actually worshipping some evil being, and performing violent and disgusting rituals, because they received some form of fame, power, or money in return. And that got me thinking that if Satan is real, then God must also be real, and that was a shocking thought. That was frightening to my core because if God was real, then I was probably in big trouble with Him.

My sister had tried to tell me a few years back that the mainstream music industry had been taken over by Satanists, and they actually devoted albums to Satan before they were released to the public, but it seemed so farfetched at the time that I thought she was crazy. But at this time, the landscape had drastically changed. Now, I was questioning everything and this new video reminded me of what my sister was saying years before and it made a lot more sense.

Just before all of this I had read a book about psychic phenomena, something I’d always had an interest in, and I think that’s what started to open my eyes. It paved the way for the video because it got me thinking. I just found it on our bookshelf one day; one of my husband’s old books from before we were together. It looked interesting so I grabbed it on the way out the door when we left for a family road trip. This was a very interesting book which included a number of true stories proving the existence of psychics, spirits, and to some degree, God. It talked about how we had a consciousness that continued after our death, a soul, and how some people were endowed with gifts that God was also capable of, like prophecy. I had always believed that spirits and demons were real but, astonishingly, never quite made the same connection about God. I guess I needed someone to explain it for me. Around that same time, I read another book called The Shack, by William P. Young, which was loaned to us from a friend. This book is about a guy who has an amazing experience with God, who even shows him how to find his missing daughter. Also, a very good book. I highly recommend it. There is also a movie about it on Prime, but I preferred the book.

And before you go thinking that I’m a gullible person, I’m not. I’m a millennial, I grew up when the Internet was invented. My entire life, I’ve been taught not to believe everything I hear. I grew up learning that nearly every good sounding thing was a scam and that we should question everything. So my generation is very much one of skeptics. I was taught in college that true research require that you get the same information from several credible sources before you decide what is true.

Anyway, the point is, that during this period of time, I’m taking in all this information that leads me to one conclusion, that God is real. I believe now that God will send you recurring messages until you finally ‘get it’. I’ve also heard He will keep repeating the same lesson in your life until you learn it. That has absolutely been the case for me, as you’ll see. When God is trying to tell you something, everything will point you to the same conclusion. You’ll begin seeing it everywhere; in what you read, watch, hear, people around you, etc. You almost can’t get away from it. It will become virtually undeniable, until you are faced with the choice to either heed the warning or dismiss it and continue on your way.

So, as I mentioned, around that same time I had begun watching a conspiracy theorist slash political Youtuber. She would present a common (usually fringe) conspiracy theory and then present tons of evidence and research for or against it. It was really interesting and entertaining. She also mentioned her own experience with Jesus many times throughout her videos, and while her content was usually secular or political, she always closed with a prayer and told people how to get saved. She also had a video where she talked about a vision she had of Hell.

So, while I’m coming to the realization that God is real, I’ve also just been educated on how to get saved. Let that sink in… So, I don’t think it took much for me to take that next step. If God was real, I was ready to get onboard the ark, so to speak. So, I said some generic ‘sinner’s prayer’ one night alone in my kitchen. I didn’t really understand what it meant to be forgiven of sins, and didn’t even know much about Jesus, but I had come to the conclusion that He was real, and I did genuinely want to be saved and to know what this was all about. So, I literally said something like “Jesus, please forgive me of my sins and save me.” I didn’t even expect an answer. I just thought, this was the way to get saved. I really had no clue what I was doing. However, I did get an immediate answer. It was the second time I felt a ‘glimpse’ of what God’s presence feels like. It was a very brief, probably lasted less than a minute. It was like a tingling in my chest, the very core of my soul, a feeling of peace, love and lightness. I knew this feeling was something different, something I’d never experienced before, and it was not self-induced or created. I knew in that instant, this was God saying to me “I hear you, and I’m here”. It was life altering. It was the confirmation I needed that everything I’d come to believe was true about God, really was. Then I was sure, there was something to this, and I wanted to learn everything that I could.

So, my next step, I decided, was to read the Bible in its entirety. I didn’t even own a Bible then, but I knew I needed to get one. I had no idea what version to get. So, I ordered a cheap one online that seemed legitimate. I later got a NIV copy which I found much more understandable for a beginner. I’d never read the Bible straight through. As a kid, I think I got to the part in Genesis where it was talking about Adam’s genealogy, where this person begat this person, and that person begat that person, and it just seems like a never-ending description of someone’s family tree. So, I put it back down. By the way, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone in my family or friend group about this. I even really know what had happened to me, but I didn’t know anyone who was a ‘Christian’, or who I felt would know anything about this. So, I really had no where else to go but the source.

So I decided to read it cover to cover. I wanted to know everything. I just began reading it in my spare time. Any time I had a few minutes to read, I read. Interestingly (and I believe by God’s design), I lost my job a couple months later, through no action of my own. Circumstances around my son’s school and political environment made us seriously consider moving out of state, and we ultimately decided to sell our house. This opened up a lot more free time for reading, as well as financial freedom. I didn’t have to run out and get a new job right away. I also found a church because I wanted to get an interpretation of what I was reading from someone who had studied it and lived it. You may know that some parts of the Bible are difficult to understand… So, I started attending church with my young son, fairly regularly. Now, binge drinking was a large part of my lifestyle, so getting up early on Sunday wasn’t something I could do every week, but I made an effort to get there when I could. God would give me little signs along the way to let me know I was on the right track. Like one Sunday morning, I was thinking that the church never played any songs that I knew. Then at service that day, they played my favorite song (and probably the only one I knew besides Christmas songs), “Amazing Grace”. My first real prayer after that was for faith. I had come to believe, but I knew my faith was shaky at best. I wanted to be sure, beyond a doubt. So, I asked God to strengthen my faith… and He did. I was led to watch Jesus testimonials (#Jesus on Youtube is a good one, which was recommended by my Youtuber). Modern day people from all walks of life were having visions, dreams, and real-life encounters with Jesus, the living God. He was appearing to them and speaking to them. He changed people’s lives. They couldn’t all be crazy right? They all had individually different backgrounds, stories, and beliefs, but all of their experiences with God were aligned. He saved them from whatever trouble they were in, in a way that they couldn’t have possibly done on their own. After hearing several witness testimonies, my faith was iron-clad. I never knew these testimonials even existed before!

So I just kept on reading, and it took me 2 years to get through the entire Bible. Admittedly, I just skimmed through that part in Genesis and other similar parts, but there’s so much more to it than that! It was an eye-opening experience. I got a refresher on all the Biblical stories I thought I knew. As someone who likes to read, I even found it interesting and entertaining. The Bible has it all; love stories, battles and war, kings, famine, victories, and every other theme for a movie or book that you could think of.

AND – as I was reading that Bible (remember it took me 2 years). In that time, a lot had changed in my life. My family had moved to another state. We changed schools, doctors, churches, and had been on countless vacations and family outings. I left my extended family behind. I had gone through several, diverse personal struggles. All this time I was on this spiritual journey, trying to understand God. I was having all kinds of questions pop up in my mind, like why does God allow certain things to happen, how or why should I fast, or sometimes I was just confused about a certain scripture… And nearly every time I was reading the Bible, I would get a direct answer to that question. Sometimes it was several answers in the same reading, specifically about a particular topic that had been on my mind. Or, specifically about a situation that I was going through or something I had done recently. It was unsettling, and validating at the same time. It happened too many times to be a coincidence. Like one time I was considering fasting, and the next Chapter was all about fasting. One time I was fasting (incorrectly) and decided to drink some milk to stave off the hunger, and literally the next reading (also that same day) was about drinking milk instead of eating meat, which related to another thing I was dealing with in my life. Another time I went to a party, where I was pressured into doing something I had planned against, and the next Chapter was about hanging out with the wrong people and avoiding these kind of situations. I was partying on the Sabbath once, and then read that day about how we need to keep the Sabbath holy. There are so many examples, I couldn’t begin to recount them all.

All I can conclude from all of that, is that God knew where I would be and what I would question at any given time, and He timed it all perfectly so that I’d be reading about the exact guidance that I needed, just at the right time.

While I was reading the New Testament, I felt that God wanted me get sober. Now I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic. I was more of a binge drinker. I just wanted to have my fun on the weekends. But over time, I would do it during the week too… or go on a 3 or 4 day binge before sobering up for a week or two. It never seemed to be a problem. You know, I could stop anytime I wanted to. I could hold a job. In fact, I was at the height of my career. I was a good mother to 2 children and happily married. So, the family was good. I was just having fun, de-stressing. And, I really didn’t suffer many consequences other than being sick and hung over a lot. Only, now I was starting to feel some serious conviction about it. And the thought of quitting forever was quite scary, particularly because I realized I valued it quite highly. I wasn’t quite sure if I could even do that.

So, then I felt that God was strongly urging me to do it for 7 days. So, I was like, ok I can handle this for 7 days, but I’m not committing to anything more than that!

Sometime during my 7 day sobriety experiment, I read some Scripture that led me to believe that God wanted me to also fast for 3 days. Coincidently (or not?) it was the last 3 days of the 7. I was praying strongly all the time, and kept reading my Bible. I had it out with God a few times, actually speaking out loud, just telling Him what I was angry and bitter about, talking with Him about times when I felt He had failed me. This was really healing for me and I highly recommend it. You can talk to God just like you talk to anyone else. Imagine He’s there in the room with you (because He is!). He already knows how you feel. He just wants you to talk to Him and have the respect for Him to put it on the table and work it out with Him.

So, on my 3 day fast, I wasn’t able to avoid eating completely, but I did my best. This was really my first attempt at fasting, after all, and I hardly knew what I was doing. I generally went about 6-8 hours each day. If I felt extremely hungry, I would have a little snack that would just hold off the hunger, like a banana and some almonds. It was also difficult because it was holiday season so people expected me to come to family gatherings and eat. So, I just fasted for most of the day and would eat something small at the gathering. It wasn’t a perfect fast, but I was clearly making an effort. I was simply trusting God for this 7 days – meaning I didn’t know why I was doing it, other than I felt He wanted me to. I didn’t know what, if anything, was going to happen at the end of it. So I wanted to follow His instruction, but also I wanted to know something. I wanted to know if I was actually saved. Because I had believed, I had said the sinner’s prayer earnestly and I truly wanted God in my life, but I wasn’t 100% sure that He was. And I wasn’t sure that anything I had done, had really secured my salvation and my spot in Heaven. I was reading about how we’re supposed to get a new heart and I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel different or think differently. Nor could any of my Christian friends explain it to me. All this time I’d been partying and doing my thing and not really feeling too bad about it, but I knew that something still wasn’t right.

In Ezekiel 36:26-27 it says, “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and ye shall keep my judgements and do them.”

Ezekiel 11:19-20 is similar. And other scripture, such as John 14:21 says, “Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me.”

While I loved God, for some reason I was finding it very difficult to obey this one command to quit drinking, and I was not feeling any real personal change in my heart or Spirit. No change in my desires, and that was a really scary place to be. So, I wanted an answer from God on this, if I was truly saved. So throughout my fast, I kept praying for this answer. I was also praying for the baptism in Spirit mentioned in John 3:5 and Matthew 3:11. And I asked for His answer to be crystal clear because it couldn’t be left to interpretation. I didn’t want to second guess it or over analyze it. I’m not the most observant person sometimes so it couldn’t be subtle. I wanted to know for sure without a doubt.

So, I continue on with my sobriety and my fast. Eventually I realize that the last of the 7 days is going to be Sunday, Christmas Eve. I knew something big was going to happen that day. It was almost like a growing crescendo, I started feeling so light in my heart in the last few days. I was starting to get that feeling of love and peace, stronger and stronger. When I woke up Sunday I was literally filled with energy. I was on 100 and I am not a person who naturally has energy. My normal was nearly always complete physical and mental exhaustion, slamming coffee all day just to stay awake. This day it was the opposite. I felt the Lord’s presence so strong within me, it was undeniable. I went to church and worshipped like I never had before. It even lasted about 24 hours. I could hardly sleep that night. I was so happy. I was giddy. I felt like I was drunk. I now understood what it meant to be drunk in the Spirit. I was almost dizzy I was so elated. Now I understood how the Spirit would strengthen me to avoid sin. I didn’t want or need drugs or alcohol anymore. I was higher than I’d ever been! And I also realized how drugs and alcohol are just a cheap imitation of that feeling. This is why people chase being high all the time, because they have a natural longing for God’s love, and without the real thing, it’s the closest you can get. Only God’s love comes with no side effects, no damage to your body, and no hangover. So, I was definitely sure at this point, that I was saved and God showed me this by giving me the Holy Spirit. This is what I had felt 2 years before, though it was just a glimpse of it. It was the Holy Spirit, the presence and love of God, and the awakening of my soul.

This feeling lessened over time. Thankfully! because I don’t know how I could have functioned in my normal life if it hadn’t dissipated to some degree. However, it has never left me. I can almost welcome the Spirit back on command, especially if I fast for some time, or even just listen to worship music, or pray, or when I realize he has answered a prayer. Sometime it comes upon me without my intention and it lets me know that I am doing something good, in accordance with God’s will. I can pray in the Spirit now, and I feel more connected to God than ever. I have the will, and a new strength to avoid sin (at least intentional sin). I realized that our relationship with God is not just based on belief and faith, but also obedience. When you live a holy life, the Spirit wants to be near you and is strengthened within you. It’s not because He wants to control you, it’s because He wants the best for you and knows what you need to get there. Or it could be an answer to a prayer. In order to get you where you want to go, He needs to initiate a change in you. This process is what’s known as sanctification. I didn’t know what that meant while I was going through it. I didn’t know that the gift of the Holy Spirit was something that can come later (and was why I hadn’t changed yet), or I would have pursued it much earlier. Believing is only the first step. Then God will work in your life to make you more and more holy or righteous, to prepare you for Heaven I believe. We are so far separated from Him in our current state that we need a lot of work. Each step closer to Him makes it easier for you to understand His will, easier to avoid sin, easier to help others, easier to worship, easier to pray, easier to feel His presence, etc. If you are willing, He will continue calling you into a deeper relationship with Him, which results in peace and blessing in your life.

I learned so much from this journey. The Lord has many good gifts and good plans for us, if we just trust Him and follow His commandments as He tells us to do. If you think you need something of this world more than God, you are sadly mistaken. If you are seeking God, and there is something on your heart that you can’t shake, something you feel you should be doing or not doing. Just go for it. What he has in store for you on the other side is 100 times better than anything you can imagine. A small leap of faith is worth finding out. You just have to trust Him.